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Your Glimps Of Me
Jan. 13th, 2008
01:30 am - 1/12/08 10:33pm
January 12, 2008 10:33pm
That is the date and time that my grandmother passed away. Its a bitter sweet situation. She went peacefully. In her sleep. Relaxed... from morphine, but still relaxed. It is bitter because not one of us wanted her to leave, but at the sametime not one of us wanted her to suffer. We wanted her here but not suffering. Once she started suffering we all just kinda wanted her to go so she was not in pain. However, we were all wishing that she would miraculously be healed and live a happy painless 20 or 30 more years. You know? But that is a bit unreasonable. But nothing is impossible. I think that is the thought that we were all clinging too.
When the funeral home people came to take her, I saw things I didn't want to see. But at the same time sort of just had to see. Odd thing was ... an old teacher that I had in high school was one of the guys picking her up. Mr. Grenke. He was my Biology and Astronomy teacher for like 2 years. I had to ask him if he was a teacher at south. He said he was, but is no longer because he is too old now. Odd profession change, huh? Weird.
Anyways.... My son is sleeping here in my grandfathers old bed. I am not tired at all.. however it is 1:39 am.
I don't really know what to do right now. I am not really tired. and it doesn't pay to sleep. I think I had already stated that.
The hospice nurse told me to write. so that is what I am doing.
I don't know right now. I am trying to figure out my next few days. I have to work on monday but of course I will be calling in. And for Friday as well. We are trying to figure out when would be best to hold the funeral. Wed. Thurs. or Fri. ???
I ran 7 miles total today. And right now my two uncles are talking about making a McDonalds run. Yum... now I want some. But oddly enough I am thinking that it will ruin my run milage. But oh well. I just ordered it with my uncles... and they are on their way out the door as I type with my order. I could always choose not to eat it, yes, but odds are.. I'll eat it. duh... haha
wow i'm an idiot. I am either over tired, or just really looking for things to say right now.
I happen to like this late nite typing. Too bad I left my Harry Potter book at home. Maybe I will start the third book right now. I am only on the second one of the series, however I have seen all the movies up-to-date. so I don't think that it really matters.
my son is waking.. gotta go
Jan. 12th, 2008
09:45 pm - To watch someone die is to watch yourself die...
Right now I am in the mist of watching my grandmother die. It is just the hardest thing to do. Watching someone die. KNOWING that they are dying. You are caught between feelings of wanting them not to die and wanting them to go. You want them around longer, but you don't want them in pain and suffering. It is a time of mixed emotions. Not knowing whether to cry or to be strong for the rest of them. I don't usually cry infront of people I happen to try to be strong for everyone and when I am alone, that is when all my feelings catch up with me. And then.. I am alone. I feel alone right now. I have my son and my family right now, but I still just feel completely alone. Is that bad?
I just want someone to listen to me... I want someone to WANT to listen to me. I hate talking to people though.. they always feel bad/sad for me... and that is not what I am trying to do to them, or want from them. I just want someone to LISTEN to me.... and WANT to be there. Just comfort me...
Right now I have no idea what I want to say, but I don't want to stop typing.... I feel like I should have so much to say, like maybe I am somehow bottling it all inside me, maybe I am. anyhow, I begin my rambling...
How crazy am I? I just don't know ...
I should just end this.
gloomyDec. 13th, 2007
10:28 am - Isn't it Ironic?
I have adopted a wing at childrens for the holidays, so that the families and children in the hospital over christmas can have a smile. When I started this project I never thought that MYSELF and MY FAMILY would be spending christmas in the hospital this year. Ironic?
My grandmother has what is called MDS (Myelodysplastic syndrome) or otherwise known as acute myelogenous leukemia. Yesterday she went to the doctor and she came home and told us all the bad news.
Her Chemo is not working. She is being sent down to Froedtert Hospital today and will be there for a minimum of 3 weeks. They also gave her a month to live....
Yeah, pretty crappy! Yesterday was just a whirl-wind for me. and today.. well I am pretty much in care-taker mode... Thats just how I do things. LIke when my grandfather passed away. I walked in the room just seconds as the news was given to my grandmother and the family. Everyone started crying... duh, but I went into care-taker mode. I started taking care of my grandmother, getting her kleenexs and calling anyone who was not called, and cleaning up the room, I even went out and asked for a vaccum at the reception desk because Alex had spilt his bag of cheetos that I walked down to get him. When we got home, I immediately got on the phone and called the rest of the family down south, as well as family friends.
You know, I am a bit bitter about it. But I think a lot of my bitterness is coming from the fact that her Chemo WAS working.. they told her it was like a few weeks before she went to visit her brother. And now it is not! It makes me wonder if what my cousin was doing in my grandmothers house (huffing) had anything to do with this. I wouldn't doubt that it does. I am going to talk to the doctors about it today and find out. You know, she was doing that in the house!!! In my grandmothers house! Her basement, upstairs. If she wanted to ruin herself, fine, but have enough respect to do it ELSE WHERE! Especially when you know your grandmother is SICK! Outside, the garage, or somewhere! Why in the house, even after she told her NOT too, and after she had been caught several times! Just pisses me off! Trust me, I plan to find out if it could have played a roll in this today when we're at the hospital.
Right now we are waiting for the hospital to move patients around and make room for my grandmother.
I have to say, it is kind of nice knowing the routen of this whole hospital deal. Because I can walk my family through the steps and reassure them that something is just routen and standard... you know? Having spent enough time in the hospital with my son has prepared me well enough to handle this situation. And I know that if need be, I can make do the whole travel back and forth, and live there if need be for the time being. It is just sad.
Positive note.. I'll already be in the hospital Christmas Morning so I can just take the underground path to Childrens and distribute the gifts that way.
Isn't it Ironic?
intimidatedNov. 10th, 2007
04:37 pm
hmmmm ... Today I have done a little bit of cleaning. I have been doing so much laundry the last week and a half it's driving me crazy! I have been swapping out the summer and winter clothes and washing ALL of it ... so I have been seriously annoyed by it.
... I have to stop saying seriously...
I should start making dinner and what not.. do a bit more cleaning, swap the laundry and fold the stuff I pull out.. and der.. it's a never ending cycle...
Nov. 5th, 2007
04:33 pm - Under Weathered...
So lets do thing...
things have been kinda shaky lately..
I'm really not sure where to turn...
This is up .. that's down...
I mean really and honestly.. I guess you could say that I am sick of schedules being off..
and Jesse, honestly I wish I could smack the shit out of him. He just pisses me off and drives me up the wazoo!! Der...
I am, for the most part, just rambling on and on..
I just feel like talking. But unable to come up with the stupid words. The wall is filled with words and thoughts, but when it comes down to me putting them on paper or typing them out it becomes blank. And for why? Who the hell knows!
I should probably go do that Mom thing...
Sep. 16th, 2007
10:11 am
Day 1: (13 left to go!)
I am gonna run 4 miles today...
Then do my hip hop abs....
and drink lots of aqua!!!
:)
My son has Chicken Pox... Poor boy! :( at least he is 16 months, so they don't itch at that age, but they do get a bad fever! :( and with all his heart problems, I'm a bit worried? does that make me a worry-wort?!
Apr. 18th, 2007
10:26 pm
Hmmm wow what is the world coming too? Soooo many shootings. Its sad.
Virginia Tech
It's sad. All those people lost. As if fighting a war against another country isn't enough...we have war within our country.
I don't understand it. But as Will said, what can you do?
Nothing, except hope it doesn't happen again.
Who knows.
It is just very sad.
Apr. 3rd, 2007
02:49 pm - So yeah...
Well today Taeton had a bath. For the first time he sat up for the first part of the bath, he loved it! He loved splashing the water.
Today I am going to take him to look at animals at the humaine society... depending on how he is doing. I should be fun.
well this is short but i'll write more later...
Apr. 1st, 2007
10:49 am - Well....
Well...
Taeton has a cold. I caught it from him. :(
I woke up yesterday with a soar throat and it never went away, it actually got worse throughout the day and it got to the point where I could not even swallow. It was bad. It felt like it was actually swollen. This morning, I am aware of my throat, and it hurts a bit but not as much as yesterday. Today I do not have to talk as much as I did yesterday... I think.. that all depends on Taeton. :) But yesterday I had to talk a lot.
Taeton is doing okay with this cold though. He has a super runny nose, but nothing a little suction machine can't take care of. He has a soar throat so I have been giving him cold bottles to help numb his throat. It seems to be working. Although he has been waking up with asthma attacks every night since his cold has started. But We deal through them. :)
He is still acting normal.. his happy little self. So I am not going to worry to much. Although last night he did have another shaking spell, but this time he had goose bumps. So I was not ALL too concerned. At least his color stayed normal this time. I am still so worried that it is his heart again... but I'll keep it down. :(
As far as everything else goes...
Life has been a bit crazy for me. Something ..... just something I wish I could have more control over.
Anyways.. I really do not have much more to say right now... so I'll write more later! :)
Mar. 27th, 2007
10:27 pm
So, what is there to say?
It has been so long since I have wrote. I do not even remember what my last entry was about. Oh yes, I remember now.
Anyways, since then, St. Patty's Day pasted. It was a good St. Patty's Day too! I went Ice Bowling with Tiff, Brian, and Kris. Then I caught up with Jessica, we went to lunch at Brisco, stayed and chatted for a while. Went and hung out with Taeton for a while. Then met up with Tom and his family. Went out to the bars. I went and spent a little more time with Taeton. Dropped some clothes off for him. Then I met up with Tom and Jess again. We went to the Fern and I ran into a few friends! Ran into Chuck too!!! That was FUN! I miss that guy! I have not seen him in YEARS!!!! Just YEARS!!! Anyways!
Life... has been a bit up and down lately. Taeton has been doing well. He still has a bit of cold. But doing good. His asthma has been acting up a bit more than usual. But I think it has to do with the weather being so back and forth between super nice and super cold lately. That'll mess with anyone.
Things around the apartment are doing great. We got Taeton ANOTHER dresser! Yes. His dresser and closet are filled up, so we got him a 5 drawer dresser, with DEEP drawers. Full! Yeah, the kid has a lot of clothes! Oh well. At least he doesn't grow out of them as fast as normal children do! :)
We went and had a play date with Ryanne and Isabella out at Jesse's mom's house. Ryanne and her husband are trying to sell their house so Ryanne could not be there for the open house part. So we got together.
Isabella and Taeton held hands and hugged, then Isabella thought it was fun to pull Taetons hair, and Taeton didn't think it was so fun.
Taetons therapy has been going well. Roz is working him pretty hard during her sessions. She was doing stretches with Taeton today and he didn't like it. He started crying and he turned his head towards me then reach his arms out towards me. I just had to go and pick him up! My little baby!!! He knows who to go to for safety! --- ME! :)
I'm so happy!
Anyways...
Work has been kinda crazy. School is going great! and thank GOD for Adam! He has been such a help lately! Studying! and little notes! Yay! He's awesome and I don't know what I would do without him!
He might be coming for the walk too. No promises he said, but maybe! If he can get out of work and fly in. His mom and sister want to join too! I am so pumped for this walk! :)
Well I better get going I have to do a few things before bed! and plan out my day tomorrow. I have to rearrange Taetons bedroom now that he has the new dresser in there. I want to rearrange the toys in the living room. Etc... Clean clean clean up!
The joys of children!:)
-Missa
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